It doesn’t feel quite nearly as good as being braless, I and a lot of my friends would admit, in fact it’s kind of been a feeling of loss.
It’s not that I don’t have the topics or time to write, it’s that I don’t know if I have the readers to bother. You see, and this is hard for me to “say out loud”, I’ve been feeling depleted. Like no matter how hard I’ve been working, how much I’ve been doing, all I’ve been sacrificing, instead of recognizing my own accomplishments I’ve been sitting in a pool of jealousy for all the others carving their way.
I know, I know… I’ve come so far and yet, having to be on someone else’s schedule is taxing. Being at the ready, while someone else dawdles, makes me feel like I’m standing around waiting to be found and rescued. Meanwhile, I reach my hand out to help so many others up and feel like I’m sinking, drowning, clawing my way to be seen or heard.
Then I realize, if someone was actually listening I don’t even know what I would say. I think we’ve all been there at some point, or will be there. Wanting to say how we really feel while struggling to just sit in the silence to feel it. Sometimes just taking a breath or walking out in the brisk air to look to the sun is enough to ground me. Sometimes, lately especially, when I try to do that I get a request from someone wanting something of me and instead of saying no like I know I should, instead of putting my phone on silent and just taking five minutes to myself, I stop what I’m doing and do unto others.
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you has been so ingrained in my belief system. That and to give is better than to receive, but it will come back in due time. Waiting sucks. Not knowing if I’m just missing all the things I should stop and appreciate because I’m still going after the next thing. Being told it may never happen and to just be thankful for how far I’ve made it and what I have while eager to prove all the naysayers wrong is exhausting.
So I’ve turned to Brendon Burchard’s The Motivation Manifesto: 9 Declarations to Claim Your Personal Power which I’ve read before and typically don’t read the same book twice but I’m in a different place now. I’m receiving it at a different level and feeling empowered again by the possibilities. I am realizing there is opportunity for change if I allow it. If I relax into it and let my heart lead, despite my brain keep telling me I need to work hard and collect a regular pay cheque. I also need to learn to be grateful for all that I’m learning from the challenges I face, from the people who let me down and take a moment to pick myself back up as many times as it takes.
I’ll get there, where I need to be… I am just impatient and want to be me now without all the exhausting sacrifices to get there. Then again, isn’t that what we all want?
Thanks for reading,
Sarah Butland
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Sarah, you’re not alone as a writer to sometimes sit “in a pool of jealousy” re: levels of success that other writers *might be* experiencing. Or, for that matter, if there are enough readers out there to read your blog posts.
The brittle truth is that our books don’t sell every day and that readers are caught up in their own lives, so that often we don’t hear from them for any reason. I can count on one hand the number of times any of the blog posts on my website have been shared, for example.
It’s probably time for you to learn that by saying “no” to others’ requests of your time and energy will not diminish their respect for you. You’ve already achieved what so many other wannabe writers have not, and no one can take away your past successes. Your readers may not be overly vocal or interact with you at the moment, and that’s perfectly normal.
Take more time for you; write what you want, get an editor’s feedback, re-write, and know that you’ll always be your own harshest critic. (I know I am!) You have support. I’d be happy to be a beta reader for any writing projects you have in the works. Best wishes.