I rarely re-read books, but The Motivation Manifesto by Brendon Burchard is proving to be an important, and timely, exception to that rule. Being in a dark place again, I was searching for something that could help lift me up and shine some light on me and this is slowly doing it. Reading a book twice, years apart, seems to change the book somehow because you’re taking different value from it and are opening yourself to new lessons.
The section about being a warrior in particular spoke to me when I read it before going to bed. Oftentimes I am told and feel like a victim, taking so many things personally when my brain knows I shouldn’t be. Seeing myself as less than worthy, being silenced and just always on a hamster wheel trying to get everything done for everyone else before taking the time for me. This passage in particular made me realize that although sometimes I am the wallflower I am also a warrior.
I am, all at once, a warrior, victim and survivor of a past that didn’t make me, but definitely changed me. Circumstances that occurred effected how I perceive the world and how it makes me react, mostly poorly, about other people’s situations. Every day is a battle, to get out of bed, face the monotonous tasks of the day and work to carve out the time to be me. I no longer feel lost, I just feel buried. I love chaos, and if you know me at all, I always have a full schedule, I just need it to be progressive. The constant overwhelm from dishes, laundry, groceries, errands… knowing it will all be there todo again the next day is my weakness.
The warrior inside of me has always been there, working to get out, battling with the obstacles and challenges of dream killers and nay sayers. Those who surround me with expressions of doubt, of weight bringing me down to earth when all I want to do is dream and soar.
When I was five, my first teacher saw my worth through the written word. I was so quiet verbally, there were concerns I was hearing impaired. As a teenager, classmates mocked my dream of living through writing, trying to convince me I would never be an author or get paid for writing. To these doubters I always said to myself – watch me!
Remembering all the times I said something, the numerous times I asked for help and was ignored discouraged me from saying anything at all. Even today, my voice is barely heard no matter how loud I scream – and I do scream. I feel victimized when I gain the nerve to ask for help and am disregarded. When I speak up, trying to support or gain trust and am shamed. I feel like I’m never go to be enough for anyone, like trying to carve an hour a day for myself is selfish no matter how much I got done for everyone else prior. There’s always more to do.
I have always been a warrior (and a worrier, which is so similar in spelling) for you. Whoever you are, I had / have your back and will promote your passion endlessly. I will try to shine a light on your path to where you want to go and support you in anyway I can. Though it’s also time for me to champion myself. To stop waiting for others to do unto me as I would for them. If that makes me selfish, it’s about damn time I gave myself that permission.
The warrior inside me has been waiting to unleash, for myself and my purpose and passion. Hidden far too long under excuses such as work schedules, unreliable people, and faith in karma, of being ignored. It’s time to stop ignoring myself under the guise of it being easier to celebrate the success of others.
To all those people who mocked my goals- I am being paid to read, to write, people are buying my books and enjoying them. Though you may never hear me, my message has a place and will be heard silently. It’s time for me to see myself and my warrior side, to dig out the tools I’ve buried with fear and doubt and sing out my battle cry as loudly as written words can shout.
I have always shrunk, afraid of saying the wrong thing and that being the only thing my audience hears. It’s time for me to grow, exist and make a change.
I have been waiting too long to put myself first for fear of being worthless.
Putting off depending on myself to set my own schedule, and earn my own pay cheque for stability and because “that’s what responsible people do.”
Waiting to tell my story for fear of getting it wrong or hurting those who bother to read it.
Waiting to be authentic because I’m scared it’s not who people love.
I am tired of waiting, knowing tomorrow may never come and advising people to live their dream while I’m cowering in piles of laundry and excuses.
Today I am my own warrior and those I love will love me more because of it.
Author Sarah Butland…
Writer and seller of many stories which can be found on Amazon
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